Quotes George Carlin

Always do whatever's next....

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should al...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization....

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth....

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a...

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put t...

Electricity is really just organized lightning....

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity....

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul ...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you i...

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English la...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as m...

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located i...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzhe...

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. W...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a who...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol wa...

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and ...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and Stat...

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a ...

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made ou...

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then...

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him...